How To Deal With Bad, Life-Changing News

Hey y'all. It's Monday and that means a post about me! I'm trying to get this blog back on track (as I've said many times before...)

Anyway, my topic today is "How do I deal with bad news that's life-changing?" 

A few weeks ago I learned that someone very close to me has Stage IV cancer and is inoperable. Basically the cancer has progressed so far that the doctors cannot and will not operate to try to remove it. This means that it's only a matter of time. The type of cancer that they have is very rare. Only 2,000 cases/year in the US. Lifespan is measured in months not years, according to their oncologist. 

MONTHS. 

This really, fucking sucks. (Sorry for the language). 

I've never received this kind of news before. I got the news pretty late at night, and after that I just couldn't sleep. When I did fall asleep, I didn't want to wake up the next morning. I thought, "If I don't get up, it's not real. If I lay here all day, I won't have to face it." This is completely not true. 

I did get up and face the day. I cried pretty much the majority of the day. I was basically panicking. I can't lose this person. I'm not ready. We called and got to speak with them. This was simultaneously a terrible and a wonderful idea. I wasn't ready to hear their voice which caused me to breakdown even more. I couldn't even speak I was crying so hard. Once the phone call was over, I did feel relieved. I was glad to have heard their voice, know they were okay, know that they had a plan. 

Everyday is hard. I pray every night for their recovery, but if I'm being honest, I know it probably won't happen. As much as it hurts, I have to start preparing myself for anything. I haven't cried since that day. Sometimes I feel heartless. Shouldn't I have tears? Shouldn't I feel more sad? Angry? Lost? 

I've only ever dealt with one other death that has affected me greatly. I didn't have the kind of relationship with that person that I do with this one. I'm terrified of the day when I get a phone call. I'll be going back to school in August, and I just can't bear to think about what's going to happen. 

I try to face each day knowing that they would want me to be living my life, experiencing all that I can, and making the most out of each day. This helps my mindset a lot. To be completely honest, I don't think of it much during the day. There are days where I can "forget" that this is happening. Of course it's always in the back of my mind, but distracting myself is the best way I can cope with this situation. 

I'm sorry for the really depressing tone of this post, but it's was something I needed to get out. 

I hope y'all are having a wonderful summer!! 

Au revoir, 

Rachel